Friday, 1 June 2012

According to Fan Fiction

Don't get me wrong, recently I've learnt to love fan fiction; I could even tell you that I have a list of favourites. A few of my preconceptions turned out to be wrong, some very wrong and some just a little wrong but wrong all the same, and I'd go so far as to say the world would be worse off if it didn't exist.

However, there are many issues with fan fiction and while I'd love to sing praises of it (I might in fact do that one day) I won't be doing any more today. I thought that instead I'd bring you a list of things fan fiction has taught me. (Or rather "things in fan fiction which are very very wrong".)

1) Taylor Swift plays in M16 elevators.
Saw this gem in an Alex Rider fan fiction. Now, I can't dispute this as I don't know anyone who works at M16, but it does seem very unlikely and I doubt any research was put into this at all. Especially as it was named "that Taylor Swift song which was in the Hunger Games movie".

2) People waltz to instrumentals of Breaking Benjamin's "Dance with the Devil".
Credit to a Resident Evil fan fic this time. Again, I don't know every person who has ever waltzed, but have you heard that instrumental!? I'd post a link up but I'm lazy and it's 6.45am ish. I actually SALUTE anyone who can waltz to that.

3) _____ is TOTALLY a word.
Spell check? What is this treachery you speak of? Not all fan fics are guilty of this, and in fact I'm surprised at how many avoid this one (given one of my preconceptions of 99% of fan fiction being written in chat speak at best). But some of these spelling mistakes take the cake. Vocie from an RE fan fic (not the same one as above), Azerbaijan (hilariously a mis-spelling of the easier word "Azkaban") from that infamous Harry Potter fan fiction (My Immortal) and quite a few others I don't have time to name. It's quite funny.

4) Villain problem? Can't catch him but I CAN phone him.
Another thing I see sometimes, across fan fictions, is this beautiful little clause. Because you know that villain our hero's been hunting for years without being able to dig up even a smidgen of evidence against? Our hero has his phone number. It begs the question of whether or not the hero and the villain even have a rivalry at all. Perhaps it's a Go-Karting with Bowser situation and our hero (e.g. Mario for arguments sake) and our villain (E.g. Bowser, again for the argument) are great chums with a few...major ideological differences. Which rather puts a damper on this life-or-death situation.

5) Failing at Stats forever.
"You're going to kill billions of people!?" "Never! I'm going to kill 15, after all that is the total number of people on Earth...right?". 7 billion. 7 BILLION. It's an easy number to remember; it was in the news a few months back and all. Yet so many people misquote this. It rather takes the oomph out a villain's world domination speech when he underestimates the number of people he plans to have control over next week. It's rather like planning a party to realise when everyone's there that you don't have enough cake. Disappointing all around.

Right, well I'm finishing here (for now) and grabbing breakfast.
See y'all next time,

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