Wednesday, 30 November 2011

That's the sound of the last of my sanity dying

(Please note that all opinions here are from the mind of the average CINEMA GOER/READER, not the average WRITER. As a WRITER I accept that writing is much more difficult than READERS believe it is and I have nothing but respect for any published author. I am not trying to offend in any way in this post, despite how this post may seem, nor am I stating that I could do it better, because I cannot.)

Oh dear. I am at a loss for words. Here's some though: That was, without a doubt, one of the worst films I have ever seen. Why did I drag myself through however many hours that...thing was? Why did I not get up and leave half way through and why on earth did I stay to see the post-credits scene?

That's right, Breaking Dawn (Part One, because all these books are filmed in parts now *shakes fist*) sucked. Pun not intended. Now, I haven't really discussed Twilight, but that's because I'm on the fence. I don't loathe Twilight, yet I don't love it either. The grammar was appalling, the descriptions terrible and the science (and quite apparently the geography) could not have been any wetter if you'd hit it with a pressure washer. Yet on the other hand, the books did well. Why? Because, credit where credit's due, the books themselves weren't that bad. In fact, I'd go so far to say that (without looking this up) Smeyer must have been a psychology major, because she has the mind of the average teenager down well enough to have figured out what your average small-time reader wants. Bella = blank slate that's easy for the reader to visualise as themselves, Edward = another blank slate with "perfect" thrown in several million times, Twilight = guilty pleasure for the lovestruck teen (Reader + Dreamboy = Money)

I'll probably go on more later, but I'm supposed to be talking about the film.

I think I lost my soul in that film, and it begged a number of questions.
1) The pregnancy bit? If you fainted during that then you dear, are a faint-hearted...let's stop before I insult someone, you can guess the rest. Or you were faking so you could tell the newspapers that you did and make some money...
2)Why did you put the blood in a container she couldn't see through? She knew it was blood, everyone else knew it was blood, object = defeated. Also, if she was somehow so oblivious that she hadn't figured it out, she could taste it you morons!
3) Why did that entire bed practically collapse when Edward squeezed the headboard? Shoddy craftwork much?
4) How has no-one involved in this figured out that the Twivamps cannot exist purely because shoving two extra chromosomes into the every cell in the body would not just hurt, but would actually, properly kill you?
5) Why did her hair feel the need to go brown-grey-ginger-brown when Bella was "transforming"/dying a painful death from having two extra chromosomes shoved into every one of her cells?
6) Why did Jake get so freaked about them going on a honeymoon and then Edward "transforming" her/killing her by...this is getting old now, but was accepting of her being turned that night? I mean, dude!

There are so many more questions I could ask, but the main one is: Why is this is two parts? Practically nothing happened in this one! (Nor does anything happen in the next one - Spoiler: they gear up for a big fight with the Volturi, then the Volturi realise they're outnumbered and go home)

So concludes my reviewless review of TTS:BDP1, see ya next time!

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